


like a stricken bird

by theriveroflight



Series: tonight my heart is sad [1]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Aromantic, Aromantic Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Deception, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Internalized Arophobia, Not Beta Read, Questioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24338812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theriveroflight/pseuds/theriveroflight
Summary: He's supposed to feel happy, right? Triumphant? Like he was getting what he wanted?
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Plagg
Series: tonight my heart is sad [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757152
Comments: 12
Kudos: 56





	like a stricken bird

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from a song I performed at a music festival called "The Kiss" -- some lyrics here I think really feel like they belong to someone who definitely isn't straight. "But I am like a stricken bird / That cannot reach the south / For though I know [s]he loves me / Tonight my heart is sad"
> 
> Aromantic Adrien is a headcanon that is close to my heart because Adrien is Projection Fodder and I am a hapless aro myself. Sorry.

Ladybug and Chat Noir shared a kiss. After defeating Oblivio, before the magic restored them back into their normal, non-kissing selves.

He's supposed to feel happy, right? Triumphant? Like he was getting what he wanted?

He can't remember what it felt like. Does he want to?

He can't remember anything. If he actually fell for her as that alternate version of himself, if he actually knew how to love her without his memories.

If erasing them is what it took for him to fall in love. If it was truly how he was raised that made him...unloving, as opposed to him always being like that.

Like _that_. Adrien needs to stop sugarcoating himself. He's heartless. He can't fall in love, so he attempts to pretend with Ladybug. And as long as he continues to pretend, no one will know that one of Paris's heroes is actually missing a metaphorical heart.

He knows they've kissed before. When he was under the effects of Dark Cupid. That was all business, though. That was to break an akuma's curse.

Not like this. The screen shows something different from what he knows that was. It shows _passion_ , and he's...afraid of it. Maybe a little repulsed.

Because he can tell himself that he was born this way - without the ability to really love like everyone has to - and believe it.

But this picture says otherwise. This picture says that somewhere along the line his heart was ripped out. That he had the capacity for love, but doesn't anymore.

He's unnatural.

He lets out a sigh. Plagg is probably misinterpreting it as lovesick. It's not the truth. He hasn't been able to tell anyone but himself that Ladybug is acting, honed from years of modeling and fake smiles and doing whatever the camera needs.

Who knew that someone who _cared_ so much could be so loveless?

"Kid, are you okay?" Plagg asks.

"I...can't stop thinking about what I lost." And it's a half-truth, a lie of omission. He shouldn't have to lie to the one...person? The one _friend_ that knew every part of him. But Adrien's a coward at best and a shitty friend at worst, so he tries to open up in half-truths, hoping that they'll ask for the other half. 

Plagg looks over at the screen, and assumes. Like everyone always does. Fill in the gaps with what's obviously in front of them. "I don't know why you're so obsessed with romance. I'd take cheese over girls any day."

Because he can't have it. That's why he keeps obsessing. He pretends and lies and covers the truth in the hope that over time the lie can become truth.

(It never will become the truth again. No matter how hard he tries, deep down he knows.)

(No matter if it was ever even true in the first place.)

He closes out of the page, disgusted. It isn't like he's daydreaming about it. He just feels distanced from it. How did he manage to fall in love there?

How can he learn to do it again?

* * *

(A truth, buried in magical amnesia.

Adrien did not fall in love without his memories. At least, not romantically.)

(Marinette, Ladybug, whichever - the protection was born from something distinctly not romantic - but not platonic either.)

(Losing your memories doesn't change who you are.)

* * *

_Aromantic_. Not heartless.

At least, that's what Google is telling him.

How can the solution be so _simple?_ It can't be that easy as this clinical word on the screen.

"Kid." Plagg zooms out and looks over at the screen. "You know you can tell me the truth, yes?"

"I couldn't, though. You never asked. You always just assumed."

"I know that I can be...distant at the worst of times. You seemed like a pretty open book. I didn't think there was too much to look into."

"I...want to be an actor someday."

"Well, you did a pretty good job of it." Plagg seems almost...downcast.

"Plagg? Are you okay?"

"My...past owners. Not all of them were good. And all the ones that misused me were liars. So dishonesty is something I..."

"That reminds you of them?" he asks.

"Yeah. Sorry, kid, I didn't mean to make this about me."

"For a long time, I thought I was evil, or...bad, or _wrong_. I know you wouldn't think that - you hate romance - but I still didn't want to tell anyone. I hid that part of myself. I tried crying for help by only telling part of the truth, and hoping that someone asked for the other half." It just keeps spilling out. "I pretend to love Ladybug as Chat because it's easier to act in love than it is to say that one of Paris's beloved heroes can't love at all."

He sighs. Finally.

"Jeez, kid, have you been holding all that in this whole time? No wonder."

"That actually...felt really good." He feels a budding sense of relief. "I needed to say that."

"I think you should tell Ladybug."

"Wait, what?" Adrien sits up suddenly. He can't. He can't tell her the truth now. He's been acting around her for so long.

"Not right now. But eventually. When you're more willing to tell other people."

"Ladybug hates liars. And I've been lying to her face the entire time we've known each other. She won't take it very well."

"Not to be the 'therapy kwami,' but that is precisely why you should."

He sighs. "I know I should. I'm still afraid."

And he still loves her, even if it isn't in the way of battle-flirtations and rooftop candlelit dates.

"I know you'll need some time, kitten. But you can get there eventually."

He smiles at Plagg. "Thank you."

* * *

He doesn't know where it comes from, but one day, before they part after a battle, he says, "I need you to meet me at the park, near our statue. I want to tell you something important."

"What...do you mean?" she asks, yo-yo still in her hand. "If you're trying to get me on another date..."

"No." He shakes his head. "It's practically the opposite of-" He gets cut off by someone's beeping.

She hooks her yo-yo onto a point to take off. "Tomorrow night, Chat."

"See you then." He smiles, and heads in the opposite direction to take the long way home.

He's moving forwards. He's being honest. And that feels good. Not perfect - he doubts it'll ever be perfect - but good.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me online:  
> alto-tenure - main Tumblr  
> the-river-of-light - visual art Tumblr  
> beunforgotten - writing Tumblr  
> riiveroflight - Twitter
> 
> Kudos and comments always appreciated. Followup to come soon, hopefully - from Marinette's perspective.


End file.
